I wrote (mostly to myself) on my old blog:
"I'm starting to make changes, I'm starting to stick to these starts, and I'm starting to get nearer to the ends. Not the end of the time I have for each thing I start, but the end where the goal is.
(Excuse me if this chunk sounds grammatically wrong, I have no other way to express it outside of my brain)
I really don't wanna be back at square one a year from now."
Well, congratulations to me, because I can safely say that I'm no longer the "same". I mean, in life we are constantly in pursuit of satisfaction, I don't think I'm perfect at all, but I'm definitely a lot happier. Turning 20, and then 21, life really just buzzes by. It's amazing how differently you can feel about things and what you really learn. You start to see things clearer, you start to be more conscious, you start to be more appreciative, sometimes even towards yourself. Don't we sometimes look back and think, "Hey, I didn't turn out so bad after all. Luckily I didn't take any wrong turns." But even if we did take wrong turns, which would be the common thread cos its honestly inevitable, we'd be proud that we did and as cookie-cutter as it sounds - those things made us who we are today.
I'm someone who really takes the middle to back seat in life. I honestly have never worked excruciatingly hard for something I've wanted. Which is a pain. I want to put myself in a torturous situation, way out of my comfort zone and see what good I can gain out of it. I guess admitting its something I want and have to do is the first step. I mean dreams - I dream of the glamorous life, like who doesn't? I wish for material things to come by my way as easily as oxygen does but I never really delved into the steps I need to take in order to achieve it. I like to sing - but I'm not a natural-born talented vocalist. Were all good vocalists? No. They work their asses off to get to where they are. Neither am I pretty enough to be street scouted and trained (or plasticized and auto-tuned) into a star, I mean like are there even street scouts here??? I like to dance too, but dancing as a career? Nah, someday you'll become too old and even when you're young it's too tiring. I love love love music, but the "chill out cells" in my brain are like, "Nope, you are too late. Because you didn't take exams early enough and couldn't do music at the O's, at 21 you still don't have a music diploma so how the hell would you be able to take a music degree? Just stick with what you're doing." And I guess that's exactly what I have been doing. Media & Comms was my 6th choice but I just went with it. Mediocre GPA, so I just went with the easiest option - UB, and again, Comms. I mean in this day and age and our context, nobody really just drops everything they're doing in pursuit of a glamorous (sometimes poisonous) career in showbiz. Someone once told me, to dream is a good thing but when your dreams take the form of a dragon, hello, come back down to Earth.
So, I may seem really laid back and all but it's exactly because, if I can't get something I want exactly the way I want it (the best), I'd rather just not do it. I'll stick with what the road has in store for me. And I believe that the universe gave me its answer a long time ago, damn straight I didn't get into any business course because its not the intellectual complexity of Mathematics and prediction I hate but rather the physical hassle. And I believe the media and comms industry, though minute, somewhat rigid and competitive here, will make me love life a little more than the business sector ever would have. I mean I've graciously accepted it but I'm not exactly putting a hundred percent effort into school which I still, don't really see changing because school will always be a drag. It is comfortable though, not having to worry if you have enough for the bills, but buying yourself something with your first full-time pay check, returning a bit of what your parents have invested in you, that's a feeling I'm absolutely looking forward to even though I'm sure it will be so much more of a drag because unless you have a smashing business idea and materialize it into something successful, you'll pretty much be in that drill for the next 30 - 40 years.
Some are born with a silver spoon, a pretty stuffed one, but so what? Every one of us have our own lives to live and it's important to just stop, breathe, and be thankful. Simply count your blessings and appreciate what you have.
Things I learnt and 'DOs' in your early 20s:
It's time to give back.
Yupp, it's been pretty darn long since most of us have spared a thought for, not just family but many around us who have been leading duller lives while we just want to fight for more and more freedom. Some sweet surprises may mean bouts of assurance to those we constantly look past.
Don't sell yourself short.
Whether we've been too much of a bitch to some people or cowering away and hiding what we truly feel or want, stop it. Being mean to people, it comes back around. Believing in other people, on the other hand, comes through. Selling yourself short? Stop. Nobody owes you a living, neither do you unto others. Sometimes we take others' dissatisfaction and misery out on ourselves, and we treat ourselves lesser in attempt to help them. But there comes a point, a breaking point, where you realize nothing you've done has ever helped yourself, and you know it's just time to let go. "Fitting in" is really not so important any more. Us in our 20s, its our time to be as experimental as ever and also - highly competitive (can't say I'm a fan though, I mean I'm not even a fan of literally running). Fighting for what you want, now that's gonna set yourself in a great start position for what's to come.
Work for what you want.
Want to buy something? Work for it. (Something I can't elaborate on because work is still in progress. But I've seen many success stories around me. Heh.)
Accept your positives and negatives.
As I mentioned this "pursuit of happiness" we all have? Can be simplified as human greed, yeah, but we all know deep down that there are some things we just might not be able to change. Sure, some people might have been a war hero in their previous lives (lol) and end up with a dramatic success story but can everybody? Everyone has flaws, we can't change every, single, thing, about ourselves, so just accept, learn when in fault, heck, learn to admit in fault first, and change those things unless every living and dead cell in your body refuses to. But we all move on. And try not to let anything get your head too big but it's never a bad thing to soak in your own conceitedness once in a while, acknowledge your achievements.
So here I am, slightly over a year later, happy to bask in a streak of sunshine.
I successfully changed something about myself I have wanted to since I was 15. Albeit, I did have my cheats but it's really easy to just let go sometimes when you've lived your whole life in a fat mind and body. I knew I was overweight since youth, but I really only wanted to change that when I was 15? And I'd get really depressed about it but still do nothing about it? Which... is one of my flaws I guess. Every year I would set out to do something about my weight but it was just so so hard and I never had the right encouragement and accompaniment from those around me somehow. And sometimes I'd be too drastic so the changes crashed and it just did not work out (neither did I, hahahah), again and again. Finally, turning 21, being around friends who constantly tell me that I'd be put to the use of greater good (I dramatize) if I lost weight, and them wanting to do it with me, just finally made me snap. It was the final straw. I was ready to do it hook or crook and then I found an easy way out. Trust me, it does have repercussions, but a lot of things are simply not right with me now so I need it. But in due time, I'm prepared to fight thus hard for my dream weight and look because I am so done. So so done.
On that note, this space here is about change. I hate change, I really do. I never want anyone around me to ever leave me. Even changing schools, changing classes in this already tiny city, makes me feel so unnerving. Somehow the people I'm really close to all ended up to be in the same college campus. What happens next?They all seem to be graduating before me.. Where will they go and where will I be? So, like the family tradition we have of hoarding, I am going to hoard everything here. Most of what I can, at least. Thoughts, moments, televised, photographed, simply documented in any way I can find. I might tend to get busy or overwhelmed but I want to keep all these things, as much of them as possible, as close to me as possible. As I think back to my own history, there are many things I've been through but what I've seen and learnt in the last two years have been so all-consuming, and sometimes they make me and my issues feel so trivial. But every other man is a man, and everyone has their own depth and freedom. So here's a tissue for your issues, get over yourself before thinking anyone owes anything to you.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh *hearty, calming sigh*
I do admit this was a rather wordy and lengthy first post but I'll try to deviate away from that in future! Writing is indeed, my unwavering pillar of catharsis, the only way I can keep my thoughts organized otherwise I'll keep wanting to do 10 things but not get any one done. Hopefully this space will help me do that better. Also I'll shareeeeeeee about things I like and I really know about because sharing is caring, and sharing whilst reflecting is a good thing, because doing like a million things in your brain at once is the best thing ever.
To include a little bit of colour, a new buy I'm excited to style soon...!
